Emotional Intelligence 2.0
by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves
April 23, 2021 — April 27, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
Recommended by Dr. Thomas Gustafson, Professor of English, American Studies, and Ethnicity; I had him for only one GE "ENGL 174 - Reading the Heart: Emotional Intelligence and the Humanities" when I was a sophomore at USC, but his character, personality, and soul was so inspiring and infectious that I still have my small journal of notes that I took in his class.
I’m not a fan of self-help books, but I’m always interested in boosting and maximizing my personal performance. Historically, emotional intelligence has been a strength of mine, a trait I inherited from my grandmother (Her Majesty) who is a master of it and raised me with it. However, lately I’ve been receiving feedback that either I’m lacking it from newly met connections or that it has decreased from old ties. Over the course of the week I’ve been thinking of the cause, and I realized it’s due to dealing with snakes for the past 6 chaotic months (especially, but not limited to the business arena). It lowered my ability to trust, decreased my patience, increased my authoritarianism, and heightened my likeliness to use aggression. Our advisors' advice yielded no results, while our allies were proven disloyal or useless. Did my iron fist fix the situations we were in? It definitely did. Is it still needed now that the coast is clear? Nope, we can be Switzerland now. But, a very great point that was brought up to me at the end of a team crawfish feast in Malibu by one of our leaders, Iggy (a modern day renaissance man), was that EQ was all about knowing how to deal with each situation individually (emphasis on individually) and matching your emotions for it. Which goes back to my old ideology of “Good to the Great, Brutal to the Bad.” With all that, it was time for the revival and reboost of EQ, this time with a focus on being able to match more situations and environments and use it in more interpersonal relationships, rather than using my North African Gangster framework for all the situations I’m in.
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The reason our emotions have the upperhand is that everything we sense forms electric signals that eventually go to our brain, these signals have to pass through our limbic system along the way, the place where our emotions are produced. We can experience a range of emotions and many words to describe our feelings, but all emotions are derivations of five core feelings: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and shame. So understanding our emotions is mandatory, and improving our EQ is possible, as EQ is flexible as opposed to IQ which is fixed. An important misconception and assumption to break is many people (including myself) think that extroversion equals EQ, it doesn’t necessarily, EQ isn’t higher in extroverts than it is in introverts. The four skills that make up EQ are Self-Awareness and Self-Management which are part of Personal Competence, and Social Awareness and Relationship Management which are part of Social Competence.
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I took the assessment that comes with the book and realized I have to work on my self-awareness, mainly observing the ripple effect from my emotions, visiting my values, and seeking feedback. Sounds like a true dictator in the making to me. Those three strategies, of understanding that my personality is infectious and has a contagious effect on those around me, so observing that ripple effect and watch closely how it impacts other people, using that information as a guide to know how my emotions are bound to affect a wider circle long after I unleash them; I’m going to spend some time doing some reflecting on my behaviour. Visiting my values, I should reflect on what I’ve said and done that makes me most proud of myself and do more of that, I’ll think more of that list before I act which will set the stage for making good choices. Seeking feedback, no doubt, my lens is heavily influenced by my experiences, that led to my beliefs, and my moods. This lens impacts everything I see, including myself. I need to start seeking feedback more to get to know myself from the inside out and the outside in. I’m going to be more open to feedback… to an extent (if someone pushes it too far, they’ll be dealt with, mind you I still deal with people who tend to cross the line). This will lead to a cycle since putting the perspectives together helps me see the entire picture, including how my emotions and reactions affect other people.
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Those are the traits/strategies I’m working on, here’s a list of all the strategies included: I’ll put a “*” on the ones that caught my interest and a “***” on the ones I believe in or practice;
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Quit treating your feelings as good or bad*, Observe the ripple effect from your emotions*, Lean into your discomfort***, Feel your emotions physically, Know who and what pushes your buttons*, Watch yourself like a hawk*, Keep a journal about your emotions, Don’t be fooled by a bad mood*, Don’t be fooled by a good mood either*, Stop and ask yourself why you do the things you do***, Visit your values*, Check Yourself*, Seek Feedback*, Get to know yourself under stress*, and Spot your emotions in books, movies, and music.
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Breathe right, Create an emotion vs. reason list, Make your goals public, Count to ten, Sleep on it, Talk to a skilled self-manager, Smile and laugh more***, Set aside some time in your day for problem-solving***, Take control of your self-talk, Visualize yourself succeeding***, Clean up your sleep hygiene, Accept that change is just around the corner***, Put a mental recharge into your schedule*, Learn a valuable lesson from everyone you encounter***, Speak to someone who is not emotionally invested in your problem*, Stay synchronized*, and Focus your attention on your freedoms, rather than your limitations*.
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Greet people by name***, Watch body language*, Make timing everything*, Develop a back-pocket question, Don’t take notes at meetings*, Plan ahead for social gatherings*, Clear away the clutter*, Live in the moment***, Go on a 15-minute tour*, Watch EQ at the movies, Practice the art of listening, Go people-watching*, Understand the rules of the culture game***, Test for accuracy*, Step into their shoes*, Seek the whole picture***, and Catch the mood of the room*.
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Be open and be curious***, Enhance your natural communication style*, Avoid giving mixed signals***, Take feedback well*, Build trust*, Have an “open-door” policy*, Only get mad on purpose*, Don’t avoid the inevitable***, Acknowledge the other person’s feelings***, Complement the person’s emotions or situation***, Explain your decisions and don’t just make them*, Make your feedback direct and constructive***, Align your intention with your impact*, Offer a “fix-it” statement during a broken conversation, Tackle a tough conversation***, and When you care, show it***.